I straddle the line of how much is too much of me, to let the world see…however, as I come to the end of my year of “Truth” I might as well just put it all out there. Right?
Today’s prompt asks: Do you give people more than what they ask for, or do you leave them wanting more? And I had a major AHA-moment thinking about this prompt today. Truth is I think I give more than what people ask for or expect because it’s a form of control.
. Giving is a form of power. But letting in Love, letting in abundance, letting in all the things I truly want is scary because I could risk getting hurt. – Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love
Hi. My name is Vernette and I’m a control freak.
Giving is so much easier than receiving. I will give you my time, love and attention (which to me is one and the same, after all Time spelt another way is Love)…because this I can control. But when it comes to me allowing you to “give” same…I have a hard time with this. “You” giving to me is out of my control. “You” being anybody in my inner and outer circle. I don’t know what to do with this sometimes and it usually leaves me lonely and sad because I feel like I’m not being seen. But sometimes I just don’t know how to articulate what I need. This is funny because I can write and write and write some more about it. But to say the words out loud…whole other story.
You know it’s as basic as not being able to receive a simple compliment and just say “thank you”. I observed this today. My co-workers were still on the company Christmas Dinner high and people said nice things about how I looked on the night and not once did I respond with a simple “thank you.” Not once. I deflected each compliment away from myself. Because the sick thing is…even though I know I looked damn good (yes…I’m saying it myself) it was easier to give them a compliment instead, rather than allow them in enough to “give” to me.
I should be on a therapist couch somewhere…
Anyhoo, I’ve been keeping up with the daily blogging but I have wondered about the quality of posts over the course of the month. I wonder if at the end of this journey I’ll feel like architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe and say, “Less is more”.
Am I boring you yet?<— she asks after just dedicating a post to NOT allowing people in.
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I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo Challenge for the month of December:
You can read some awesome entries here: NaBloPoMo December.