I’ve been on three dates in the last year and five months. Yup, I know…clearly I don’t care about ticking biological clocks as someone indignantly said to me recently. It didn’t help that I laughed in their face either. I’m at the age my mother was when she had me…and I’m the eldest. So I’m not worried folks, no need to be on my behalf. OKAY?
Right…so why do I suck at dating?
- 1. I don’t date. Ergo, I lack the skill set required or rather, I never developed the skills required to navigate these interviews for *cough* sex.
2. I’m lazy – I’d much rather stay at home snuggled up in my comfy bed, watching
free movies or reading a book than getting dressed up to go out with some guy and then watch the same movie only with popcorn involved. Oh the effort.
3. Ugh. Small talk. I am not good at it. I will tell you pretty much everything about my day with one “how was your day”… then the guy goes all MEGO (you know…My Eyes Glaze Over) on me and I’m left thinking I’m so gauche. Awkward silence follows.
4. Then there is the “Oh my God…what the hell do I wear?” Too casual and I don’t care enough and dressed up…I care too much. Where are we going? What’s appropriate? Why did I agree to this? Is it too late to cancel? Maybe. How interested am I? How much effort should do I put into this outfit? Grrrr…. This line of questioning almost always brings me to…geez Vernette you need new clothes! To which, lazy Vernette whispers “you wouldn’t need new clothes if you were staying at home with your body pillow and sofa…who BOTH love you just as you are in underwear even!” Lazy Vernette wins. Every. Time.
Men People are stupid. I’m the chick who will be “set-up” on a date with a guy because we both like hiking. Then the guy is mostly silent for the duration of the “date” not even to talk about this fantastic thing that made my friend think this would be a match made in heaven. However, at the end of the night…says some crap like he’s the strong, silent type and I’m all…too late buddy! I’m already so bored and my body pillow is waiting. I mean…really? This is what I showered and used my Victoria Secret lotion for? By the way…this is a true story.
6. Best Behaviour Business. Have you ever been on a “first date” and felt like you were holding in a gargantuan fart the whole time? No? Just me then? Shee-it! Ok. I really do suck at this.
A ‘Tiki time-out’ is the distant Trini cousin to a ‘Kit Kat break’ and I was in need of a serious time out. I needed some time to get a hold of myself, hence, the silence on the blog. May is a tough time for me, my mother’s birthday into Mother’s Day is always a sharp reminder that May 2010 was the last happy times we shared. Facing the agony of this loss is hard and I’m broken.
My brother says I’m a verb. I’m a doer. And gosh I like being in control of everything. Yeah some people say it makes me pretty overbearing and others say bossy but having control or rather the illusion of control keeps me grounded. I can breathe easier.
So imagine this thing happens to me…my family and my whole life is changed forever, something I have no control over. Then the loss, the sadness, the dull constant ache that does not go away, no matter how hard I may be laughing in any given moment is always lurking on the edge of everything…just waiting to swallow me up.
To the person who said, grief comes in waves. I say BULLeffingSHIT.
This is not a wave. I’m caught up in a tsunami and I have no control.
Everything is bittersweet. There are significant milestones happening in our lives and while I am happy in the moment…there is always a fuzzy dreamlike quality to that emotion.
Because I should put on my big girl panties and be ‘normal’ by now right? I don’t want to keep pushing my loss in everyone’s face, or feel ashamed that there is a lump in my throat and I have to fight back tears if I allow myself to think too long about anything concerning my mother. I don’t want to keep harping on it or feel like I’m boring everyone with my grief process. I don’t want to feel judged or hear about what might be the ‘best’ way to deal with this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! What is too much or too little when it comes to grief and letting go? And, honestly, I don’t know if the people around me can tolerate me when I’m like this…because life goes on…for everybody else.
So I checked out for a bit. I needed to own and honor what I was feeling. And guess what? The sadness swallowed me up. I was unable to wish my own friends a ‘happy mother’s day’. I was so caught up in me. I am an orphan now you know.
I thought about my mother and my experiences with her. I remember when she talked about the first moment she felt like a mummy. It was after she got home from the hospital and the ‘welcome home’ party had gone to their homes. It was just the two of us. She said she looked at me and she knew that she would never be the same. I was a C-Sec baby so I never got the “I was in labor for hours and hours talk’. In fact my mother never used her labor as a guilt trip on any of us.
My mum had four kids. There was a baby before me but he died at birth. She called him Elliot and never forgot him. We three though, she spoiled. She gave me the freedom to make my own mistakes whether she approved of my actions or not. She gave me her undivided attention and unconditional love. I watched her face her cancer and fight for her life. And when the time came, I watched her say her goodbyes with grace. I, on the other hand, I don’t know how to let go…yet.
There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart. – Gandhi
I’m making my peace with her not being here. Slowly.
And as I count the blessings of the time and experiences I had with my mother, I consider what is left and I am grateful. I can say now to all those badass women who embrace motherhood, “Hat’s off to you. Happy Belated Mother’s Day.”
My EARWORM these days is P!nk’s collab with Nate Ruess – Just Give Me a Reason.
From the opening lines…P!nk is speaking to me…
“Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I’m your willing victim…”
Only I don’t think my heart was stolen…I gave it away willingly. But like this song’s theme…my love life’s loop is that there is always some breakdown in communication.
But there is hope and my absolute favourite line is:
“It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
That we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again”
…cuz no matter how your love story ends, how scarred you may be…you can always love again. And when this song is turned up loud…I can shout the lyrics as loud as I want and it still sounds great. True Story!
I must admit that I got on the Scandal train pretty late. When I heard that they were on a three-week hiatus I used the time to catch up on creator Shonda Rhimes hit show, and here is why Thursday is now my new favourite:
“The course of true love, never did run smooth.” I love these two people together and I love them apart. Together, there is that smoldering chemistry that is oh so forbidden and apart…they’re going through their daily lives but you just know that they’re thinking about each other. I am a sucker for romance and this is my kinda romance. Passionate. Fiery. Devastating. Explosive. They go hard for each other, only he’s married. He has three kids…and he’s the POTUS. Soooo this is also a story full of jealousy, anger, frustration, sadness and fear. I never thought I’d root for “the other woman” but Olivia and Fitz…DAMN I’ll root for that love and the clip below depicts everything I love about the two of them together.
2. Olivia’s style.
She has wine clothes people! WINE CLOTHES!!! I want her style. I want her entire wardrobe. Her suits are impeccable, her accessories are delicate and feminine. Strong lines with soft touches and high heels for the office. Her home attire is soft and silky almost as if she sheds the “powerful fixer persona” as soon as she walks through her front door. I. Want. Her. Style!!! Here’s what Kerry Washington had to say about Olivia Pope’s wardrobe below:
3. Gladiators in suits.
Two words: Columbus Short. I love me some Harrison. But it isn’t just Harrison. It’s the team: Huck, Abby, Quinn and well Harrison who make up Pope & Associates that takes the show to the next level. Each character has a story. They all have a shady past. They are capable of anything. And yet they are all so human and none of them including Olivia are meant to be role models. Their team is more like a family. You have Huck big brother/mentoring Quinn, which I’m loving cuz Quinn was a little too whiny for far too long. Abby is smart, snarky and immature but will follow Olivia over a cliff and my eye candy Harrison is Olivia’s lieutenant. I love how Olivia seems to genuinely care about each one of them. On the real tho, they can literally clean up any mess and that has to cost. There was a scene in Season 1 where they were paid by cheque and I squinted to see the value on it. I often wonder how much they’re being paid…cuz damn Olivia can dress!
White House Chief of Staff. Olivia’s mentor, friend and nemesis at times. Husband, who put a hit out on his own husband to save his old ass from going to jail but called it off at the very last second. Father, who adopted a baby to keep said husband home ‘barefoot and proverbially (obviously) pregnant’. Wannabe president. Political Animal. I love Cyrus Beene.
FLOTUS. She hates babies but has 3 of her own. An incredibly smart Southern Belle, who can give a blow job while wearing pearls. She craves power and wants to be President.
Mellie: [to Cyrus] You’re supposed to hate the woman. Isn’t that the standard trope? The seductress, the slut, the tramp who led your man astray. And I do. I loathe Olivia Pope. But it’s a boring sort of hate. Uninteresting, cliché’. It’s hard to even get my back into it. But…Fitz? I found him. I cleaned him up after that monster who raised him damaged his spirit. I am the one who told him he was someone. I am the one who cheered him on and listened to him ramble about his hopes and his dreams. I am the one who focused him. I did all the work. I did all the work and now she gets to reap the benefits? No. No, I made him. He exists because I say he exists.
Secret Service Agent assigned to Fitz. Sucker for a good love story perhaps? Working on a tell-all book or just a POTUS PIMP? Tom is the one who gave Fitz the photos of Olivia and Edison…after he had given the order to cease surveillance on her. Check out the clip below to see why Tom is in my good books. HA!
7. It’s just damn good TV.
Secrets. Politics. Round table deals. Suspense. Murder. Lies. The stress. The heartache it causes me. I love it all. This is escape TV at its best. My mother had Knots Landing. I have Scandal. Do I care that Fitz is a murderer? Nope! Verna was on her way out anyway. Do I endorse adultery in real life? NO! Do I like Huck getting his ‘Dexter’ on and teaching Quinn how to as well…hell yeah! This is what entertainment is all about and I will willingly nay…excitedly take a ride into Shonda’s world every Thursday.
What I am, is very late. This is my entry for Jenn’s Theme Thursday challenge: An acrostic poem – IDENTITY
Driven by possibility
Encouraged by failure and always
Nurtured by family, I am
Transformed by love always.
Inspired by my passion and soul light,
Today I evolve. I am powerful
Yet vulnerable. I am.
This is virgin territory for me, as this is my first time linking up at Jenn’s place and this is my first acrostic poem.
You can check out other cool entries or submit your own at HERE!
Love is more than “the One”.
Love will not read my mind nor will Love finish my sentences.
Love breaks down my walls and exposes the parts of me that are in need of growth.
Love challenges me to grow, it pushes me beyond your limits.
Love is showing up for the challenge.
Love is self-awareness.
Love moves me toward transformation and causes me to evolve.
Love is a blaze of passion that never goes out, though it may burn slow and low…red hot glowing embers quickly ignite with an intentional spark.
Love is soul fire.
Love has no end; thus, my relationships are divine appointments that will teach me about myself when I am open to the lessons. They won’t last forever.
The Five People You Meet In Heaven
by Mitch Albom
My rating* – 5
This review contains spoilers.
Eddie is a wounded war veteran, an old man who has lived, in his mind, an uninspired life. His job is fixing rides at a seaside amusement park. On his 83rd birthday, a tragic accident kills him as he tries to save a little girl from a falling cart. He awakes in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a destination, but an answer.
In heaven, five people explain your life to you. Some you knew, others may have been strangers. One by one, from childhood to soldier to old age, Eddie’s five people revisit their connections to him on earth, illuminating the mysteries of his “meaningless” life, and revealing the haunting secret behind the eternal question: “Why was I here? - Book Description courtesy Amazon
This is the kind of book you recommend to people…but NEVER lend your own copy because you won’t get it back. I actually have a copy just for lending. It’s a pretty easy read…you can read it in a weekend. But the themes are deep and I suppose depending on the stage you are at in your life, those themes can get deeper still.
I read this book shortly after my mum died and then again this month for my book club. I already know that this is a book I’ll read again more than once in my lifetime.
“No story sits by itself. Sometimes stories meet at corners and sometimes they cover one another completely, like stones beneath a river.”
This is one of the major themes of this novel and for me most poignant. There are no random acts in this life. We are all connected in one way or another. Eddie was right where he was supposed to be. Despite him thinking that his life was just a life with no special purpose, therein held his purpose. To lead a regular, maintenance guy’s life and by doing so he achieved an even greater purpose…he was able to ensure that other people got to live theirs to the fullest by keeping the park rides safe.
“There are five people you meet in heaven,” the Blue Man suddenly said. “Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth.
…..I am your first person, Edward. When I died, my life was illuminated by five others, and then I came here to wait for you, to stand in your line, to tell you my story, which becomes part of yours. There will be others for you, too. Some you knew, maybe some you didn’t. But they all crossed your path before they died. And they altered it forever.” – Blue Man
There are no ordinary lives. You were put on this earth to achieve a specific purpose and when that is achieved you move on. Forgiveness, love, letting go are all necessary for Eddie to understand why he was on earth and what his time meant.
I especially loved that we start at the end of Eddie’s life. Albom, cleverly moves the story along by marking Eddie’s birthdays. Anyone who know’s me for all of two minutes, knows how much I love birthdays. I believe that, God chose this time in our history to bless this world with your presence, who are you not to acknowledge that? Celebrate away!
Eddie on the other hand…saw his birthdays as simply passing time. Not understanding that each year, brought more wisdom, each moment was significant for him. His life, my life…your life, is a series of beginnings and endings and most times we only see the importance of an event or “lesson” upon reflection. And this book is all about reflection and closure.
Eddie lacked “closure” in his life. He was abused by his dad, who withheld his love with no explanation. He was haunted by his war experience. He grieved for his dead wife and pretty much lived his life in the past, reliving old memories. Eddie was a frustrated old man. His “FIVE” helped him understand what happened so he could finally honor and let go of his past so he could move forward to the next stage of Heaven.
He finally understood that what he did while on earth was needed…the little things all made a huge difference in the lives around him. It all mattered, every trial, misstep, all the tears, hurt, joy, every choice, all added up and made a difference.
After he met his five, Eddie now waits in the line of five for another person…to help that person understand their life on earth because even in the after life we have a duty to help each other out.
No matter how you envision heaven, the after life or the great by and by to be…The Five People You Meet In Heaven will cause you to pause and examine some “profound” moments in your own life and consider their impact and meaning in the grand scheme of things.
*my personal quality ratings are the scores I give books on a scale of 0-5 based on my personal opinion of a book. 0 is “birdcage liner” and 5 is “off-the-hook good”
I don’t know why this post didn’t shoot off when it was supposed to, but this is my entry for the Daily Prompt: Tears of Joy
I am a crier.
I cry for lots of things. If it’s the right time of the month, I will cry over an advertisement on TV even.
However, the only people who know this are those closest to me…and well now those of you reading this.
I have been called a bitch…the more politically correct among those who speak about me without truly knowing me would say I’m unapproachable or intimidating.
That said, I admit it: I have a hard exterior or rather I give the impression that I have a hard exterior.
I also have a very soft underbelly.
So imagine, the last day of the 2012, I’m already thinking about the promise of the New Year and my phone rings. It’s my brother.
Maurice: You’re going to be an Auntie next year.
Me: What??? *drops phone* *struggle ensues* *finally gets phone in hand*
Maurice: Yea, we just came from the Doctor’s office and you’re going to be an Auntie next year.
Me: Oh my gosh *immediately starts blubbering* I’m so happy. I’m so happy for you. WOW!
These were my first truly happy tears.
When he told me they heard the heartbeat folks, the rush of love I felt for that little heartbeat is unlike any love I’ve felt before. I cannot wait to meet my little nephew (*fingers crossed* this will be confirmed next week and
I’ll say this here, my brother has been calling the bump “Cupcake” and I take umbrage on behalf of my unborn nephew.)
When I think about him even now…I get a lump in my throat for the blessing of his presence. He is truly a gift and one I will cherish. I have three godsons, I love them all. But this love I feel…oh my word! Makes me think about my own future son and I understand a little bit now the commitment of unconditional love. It just is. Imagine the rainstorm when I finally meet him…
When my nephew reads this someday, I want him to know that even before I knew him…I loved him.
It was the absolute best way to end 2012 and the perfect start to 2013.
after the thunderous rebellion of the clouds
and the stinging rain has washed over us,
the sun always comes out,
sometimes even with a rainbow.
The only way to heal it is to feel it.
“This weekend, we are revisiting a prompt we’ve done before. We are giving you three words and asking that you add another 33 to them to make a complete 36-word response. You may use the words in any order you choose.
Our three words are:
Now you give us yours.”
You can check out others’ entries or submit your own at:
Please feel free to share your own “36″ below.